Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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