Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
