Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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