Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
