I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
