why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
