My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
