I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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