based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
