i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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