After last night, I could never be a politician.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You were trust falling into bushes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
