If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
