Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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