Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
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Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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