Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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