I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
