And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
