No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
