she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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