"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
