at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He has the fingertips of a God
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
