I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
