Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
