I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
