Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
