Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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