I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
