OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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