Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
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Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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