she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
