I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
