i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
