not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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