i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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