And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
