OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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