you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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