i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
