well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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