I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Do you remember whose house we're in?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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