Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
