oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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