I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
