i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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