Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
