true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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