is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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