how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
