nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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