So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
