If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
