mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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