I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
