Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize