He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
