I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
