Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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