The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?