I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?