we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
