Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
