My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As shirtless as possible
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
