it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
