your parents love me but you hate me
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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