you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
