My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
