I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
